How can i get my life back on track, get ova my depressions n handle my mental illnesses?

my kids r the only thing / people i live for... i wouldnt be here if i didnt hav them. there both my world n more, worth so much more than my life itself, could eva mean. my eldest son Jak is 14 yrs old, i had him whilst i was only 15 myself, unfortantly his father ped away a few years ago which he took so badly, a year later his dad`s mother died which he took even worst. it changed him completely.. his full of anger, and skippin skool. his top set 4 all his lessons in skool which im very proud about. i try make up his losses EVERY DAY since but no matter wot it is or how i do it i always fail, which I HATE MYSELF 4 and remind myself every day of wot a failure i am 2 my boys :( my hardest is neva enough in my eyes, which i hate myself 4. i suffer wiv depression, i dont eva leave the house other than 2 go 2 da corner shop on my road, i cant match wot his friends mums n dads r gettin there children. i hav nothing (apart from my kids) in life, cant even afford a cheap kettle never mind carpets 4 our home, or even a tele would b nice.... neway back 2 da point --> my youngest boy lives wiv his father - from my decision n choice as he was able 2 offer him a secure home n a better life as his an a electrician, i wanted him 2 hav a better life which i knew he`d get wiv his father. he s ova 2 my house every weekend n all durin any skool holidays. because of my conditions i couldnt take him 2 da park on a nice day or anything.. im totally house bound, which was`nt fair on him either. i still believe i done the rite thing 4 my sons best intrest BUT its not enough 4me 2 stop feelin so guity 4him not bein here wiv me, where he should b. I HATE MYSELF 4 the way i am n da conditions i suffer wiv. my heart is so badly shattered from missin my son EVERY SINGLE DAY i cant explan da hurt i feel. iv always bathed every day till now... but lately i go 3/ 4 days wivout bathin, i mite brush my hair once a week, if that! im not a bad lookin girl every1s always said im a very pretty women etc but i just cant b bothered wiv myself nemore. i find it hard 2 b or even feel happy cos i feel i hav no rite 2 b happy wot wiv everything involvin my boys. when i do smile.. i`ll hate myself a little more than i did already 4 doin so. my life is based on guilt aswell i think, as i should b a better mother 2 both my kids. i wish i could b a normal mum like da other mums, just 2 b normal.. so much so dat its killin me inside. everyday n allday i c mostly 1 person which is my eldest son n dats it. when i get mail in da letterbox i dont open it, when n if sum1 knocks on the front door i dont open it, i miss all appointments n things i mite hav aswell. I DONT BELIEVE IN GOD cos if there was a god up there he`d c my boys hav been through enough already n giv them a break but instead NOTHING surely he wouldnt just sit up there watchin me slowly beatin myself 2 death, riddled wiv hate 4 myself n live a life of guilt 4 my kids